Wednesday, August 27, 2008

i somehow made it through my 1st day.
i can't lie and say it was good.
but i did survive.
until i started driving home,
and thinking about
how i thought i would be somewhere else.
and how i just can't believe
i am still working at this place
that just makes me miserable.

that is when the tears came.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I'm going to be having a panic attack in about 10 hours.
I'm trying not to have one now in anticipation of tomorrow.
I just hope it doesn't last. It being my feelings, sickness, and THE JOB ITSELF!
But if it does...I pray that I can find peace about it.
And some little bits of happiness here and there.
And if I do end up leaving two weeks into the school year...I hope I can be forgiven.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Are you there God? It's me, Tiffany.

Well, I've had a frustrating day.

It started out ok - I got up and wanted to hit the gym - but alas, my gym is closed for the week. Man, I wish I had my own treadmill.

But I decided to take advantage of the extra time and get ready for my interview which is Tuesday at 11 am.
That's right, yet another job in a long line of jobs that I have pursued this summer.
I just got an email about this one [a Catholic high school nearby] on Friday, called them, sent them my resume, and by 6 pm was set up for an interview tomorrow.

I had to gather all of my materials, including a letter from a pastor stating that I am in 'good moral character.'

I spent the morning getting paperwork together: digging out old lesson plans from 6 years ago when I student taught at a high school; going through documents from college courses to see if I could use any of it for a new, improved, teen-oriented portfolio; gathering copies of reference letters and clearances; downloading my current grad school transcript because I never received an official, paper copy; you get the point.

I emailed links and documents to myself so that I could print them at the library since my home printer hasn't been hooked up in years.

I also searched the internet for "high school librarian interview questions" and general advice for getting a job, and was totally overwhelmed by some tough questions and by the general feeling that I was not prepared and just 'not good enough.'

Going from my K-2 job of the last four years to a 9-12 job will be I ready for that?

My pastor had told me he's be in the office this afternoon so I could come pick up my letter. So I went there and am so grateful for a. a wonderful recommendation and b. the use of their printer [as opposed to going to the public library, waiting, paying, etc].

My lack of printer prompted me to go to Staples next and spend $70 on new ink for my old, dusty printer. [crossing my fingers all the while that I can actually get the thing to work, and my $70 spent was not in vain]

So far, not such a bad day, right?

Well, here is where it got frustrating. My cell phone refuses to charge, and since we are getting a new carrier/plans/and phones on Wednesday, there is really nothing I can do. So Andrew, very sweetly, let me borrow his today. So all day I've used his, and called and checked my voicemail every hour or two.

I got home from staples and got on my computer, and received the following email from the school I am supposed to interview at in less than 24 hours!

I left a message on your cell phone. We 'contractually" can't interview until the job has been posted. I believe the next posting is Sept 2. Once it is posted we will give you a call or you may call us.

Sorry for any inconvenience.

I think I had to read it about 3 times before it really sunk in. The main thoughts in my head are/were:
- wait, so all of my crazy running around/freaking out/etc today were in vain?
- so now i have more time to prepare?
- do you even still want to interview me? since you were so casual in saying 'you may call us'
- oh no. this is horrible. this means i have to actually start the school year - and teaching - at my old job. whereas if i interviewed tomorrow, there was a chance i wouldn't have to start teaching.
- this means i have to start teaching at my job i hate
- is God trying to make me sweat? teach me patience?
- am i really that impatient of a person that i need this lesson? especially after waiting all summer for a new job?
- i really, really, really, don't want to start the school year at my old job that i hate.
- oh dear.

So...I guess it could be worse. They didn't say they don't want to interview me. Having an extra, oh TWO WEEKS, will be helpful to prepare and feel more qualified to be a high school librarian.

And, I got my printer to work after using it as a dust collector for years.

I'm just a little frustrated. I wish I could hide in a hole for two weeks until I get to interview. But instead...I have to go back to the job/people I really don't like, and pretend to enjoy it for a couple weeks.

I can only pray that is as long as it lasts.

Friday, August 08, 2008

road trip!

So...I'm going on a road trip. With my parents. Actually, first I am flying to Pittsburgh to meet them, and then the road trip begins the next morning.

I think it's going to be: crazy. fun. exhausting. exciting. frustrating [at times]. beautiful. fun!

My main concern is that I get violently carsick. All the time. So I will be stocking up on dramamine, and hopefully driving a lot so that I don't have the possibility of being sick. And, since my dad is an early riser [somehow he actually finds pleasure in rising at 5 am?!] - I hope that on the two mornings we plan to drive, we leave ridiculously early and I can sleep for some hours in the car, thus not being sick.


Here is our master plan:

Friday, August 15: My plane leaves Philly at 8:30 and I get to Pittsburgh around 10 pm. Then I'll stay with my parents at a hotel that night. [Even though I have many friends I want to see! But I don't think I can since I know we will leave at the crack of dawn the next morning.]

Sat, Aug 16: We leave Pittsburgh early [hopefully not too much before 8 am] and drive to Nowheresville, Virginia to visit my cousin Julie and her family. She just had a baby girl in July...after having 3 boys! How exciting.
This leg of the trip should take 5 hours.

Then we leave VA and drive to my sister's place in Gastonia, North Carolina! It should take about 3 hours - and hopefully we get there at like 5 or 6 pm and RELAX for the rest of the night.

Sun, Aug 17 - Tues, Aug 19: We enjoy North Carolina, especially when we whitewater raft on Monday night! We're all staying at my sister's house with her puppy, 2 roommates, and their cat and dog. It will be a full house!

Wed, Aug 20: We are leaving [hopefully early] in the AM and driving to Baltimore, MD to see another cousin and her husband and their new baby. This drive will probably be the worst - it's like 7-8 hours, the same as driving Philly to Erie! [Ugh. I've driven that SO many times, and I must admit...I hate it.]

Once we finally get to Maryland, we're are going to visit with me cousin and her new baby. THEN we are driving [hopefully not too long] to our hotel so we can FINALLY crash!

Thurs, Aug 21: Hooray! We get to 'sleep in.' Then we have a 2 hour drive back to Philly, where we are meeting my hubby for lunch.

I get to go home, but my parents are driving a couple more hours, then staying at their final hotel.
I will certainly be looking forward to sleeping in my own bed [and not alone!] by this point.

Fri, Aug 22 - my parents drive back to Erie, while I sleep in and enjoy being home again!

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Questions I can't answer. But wish I could.

1. How will I survive the school year if I don't get a new job and have to go back to my old one?

2. When we will get to move away from here and closer to family? Will this ever happen?

3. When will I ever feel permanently settled? Can I feel that way here?

4. Why can 'everyone else afford to buy a house here' but not us?

5. Why are all of my close friends moving away, thus making me not only unhappy, but lonely here? What can I do about this?

6. Why can't I just trust God like I should and let all of this go?