I love my new job.

:)

My first day of high school.

It was 14 years ago that I entered high school as a freshman.

Today I re-entered high school, 409 miles away, and hopefully much wiser.

I had conversation with some junior and senior girls on my first day, today,
and they have no idea how much they made my day,
and how much teachers want to be accepted just as they do.
One girl asked me if I was nervous, but I realized, much to my surprise, I wasn't!
I also don't remember being nervous to start 9th grade,
and overall, I really enjoyed my high school experience as a student.

I hope I love it as much from a different perspective.

Things I will not miss about my job:

1. getting coughed/sneezed on DAILY
2. teaching 30 classes/over 600 kids a week
   
3. saying the same thing a million times a week because of how many kids i teach
4. not having any time to get library work done [see #2]
5. meetings...sometimes 5 days a week! [see #4]
6. giving out grades that are completely arbitrary and pointless
   
7. relying on an assistant and 15+ parent volunteers to do my job [see #4 yet again]
8. being the 'exception' at librarian meetings ie: 'this does not apply to you because you have no time to do this...' [see #2 and #4]
9. teaching only 20 min less per day than a classroom teacher [again that pesky #4!]
10. no time to co-plan [see #8]
11. no time to co-teach
12. kindergarten classes 10x/week for 40 minutes each
13. pulling my hair out every week trying to figure out what exactly to do with 2 special needs classes that come to see me [together] for 40 min, for which i have absolutely no training
14. trite conversations with people that don't really care
15. working with 4 different budgets that go through 10 different people, when all i am trying to do is buy what is needed/wanted by staff/students
16. my sore throat that has been hanging on since teaching day one this school year [see #1 and #2]
17. 'the framework for continuous improvement' which just results in even more meetings
    

i somehow made it through my 1st day.
i can't lie and say it was good.
but i did survive.
until i started driving home,
and thinking about
how i thought i would be somewhere else.
and how i just can't believe
i am still working at this place
that just makes me miserable.

that is when the tears came.

Aw.

Today a six-year-old boy said to me 'Hey! You look cute!'

Sometimes I guess I don't hate my job so much.

[However, when I work with 12 - 18 year old boys in the future, comments like that won't be so adorable.]

this is it.

i know i have these flaws:

- i take everything personally

- even when it's 'business'

- i worry WAY too much

- i make myself sick from worry

- i leave work and can't let go of the stress

- the stress of it carries through into my evenings and makes me unhappy

so here is what i think [know] that i need to do.

i need to let go.

it's that simple.

so i am going to write down all of my stresses, worries, etc.

and post them on here

and let go.

which i know won't be easy

but i really need to do it.

[AND the stupidest thing is that i won't even be at my job next year. i will be at a new and hopefully much improved one!]

so here's all the work shit that i hate and need to let go of:

1. the book fair. i could write so much, but what's the point. it's [mostly] in the past.

2. next year - they are potentially adding 190 minutes of teaching to my already packed schedule

yet they have taken away 38% of my budget for next year

and will probably take away my assistant for at least 30 minutes who is now only here for 3 3/4 hours anyways.

3. this meeting i have next week - so i've been working here for 4 years now and ordering books and supplies and been running the library successfully for that long. but all of a sudden i [not any other librarian] has to have a big meeting with an administrator so i can show her all of my purchases and explain exactly why i need to order each item before i order them...and why? who the hell knows.

4. i need to STOP TALKING to people about all this crap and just think about the present day, and my personal life, and the promising future....i keep blabbing about these things to people at work, and they don't really care anyways, and then i get upset and sick again.

seriously, i detest my job. i'm sure you can see why. [plus the other things i posted below!]

i just need to let it go

and relax

and pray for the right job for september.

1-10-08

i feel attacked

pressured

and like i am being forced into something i don't want to do

i don't think people know this about me

but i HATE being told what to do

especially on such a large scale

why does everyone care about money so much?

i find it ridiculous

and disgusting

that my $43,000 salary can't buy me a home

or help me raise a family

and that i 'need to' or 'should' be trying to make as much money as i can

and my husband makes that much too

so really, then everyone is saying

our $80,000+ income

isn't enough?

we need to make six figures in order to survive?

to buy a house?

to AFFORD to have children?

i don't want to AFFORD to have kids

i just want to have them

and stay home with them

in our HOUSE

i don't want to waste

time

money

effort

on a degree that I DON'T EVEN WANT.

F you and your degree requirements

all of you

8-30-06

why does this happen every year. i feel like an idiot. is it my fault? why do you treat me like crap? i can't figure out if i am screwing up or if you are. what the hell. i don't understand why everything must be so complicated.

it's not personal, it's business.

that only means it's not personal to YOU. it is personal to me.

I heard the saddest statement today.

"If I gave the amount of time and effort to my marriage that I give to this job, things would be a LOT different."

~said by a teacher at my school

.
.
.

All I could think was 'wow, I am glad that's not me' and 'I will never become that way.'

hooray for today

1. I love my new glasses.

2. My new principal rocks.

3. I have more people on my book fair committee than any other year [thanks to #2 above].

4. The weather is absolutely lovely - it finally feels like autumn!

5. Tomorrow is a day off that I really need and plan on thoroughly enjoying.

bdgt

I've decided to eliminate the vowels and create a new word so as to make this word a 'four letter word.'

This four letter word makes me want to quit my job before the school year has even begun.
This four letter word is the cause of more discussion, stress and tears than anything else related to my job.
This four letter word is one of the most frustrating things I have dealt with in my entire life. No lie.

This four letter word had better become a 6 letter word again, and soon, or I just might lose my mind.